My type-A control freak personality craves a plan. I’m one of those people that would happily take a print-out detailing the rest of my life, and be on my merry way! I tend to live and die by a cute little green day-planner that serves as a sort of script for my life-you’ll never find me without it.
Unfortunately, life as of late has made it impossible to plan just about anything of importance. This has resulted in to-do lists that look a little something like this:
- Paint toes.
- Run.
- Call Christy [again] and ask her [again] to move back to North Carolina.
Achievable goals. In lieu of an actual idea of what’s going on in my life, clearly I cling to the illusion of control.
I think Jesus has orchestrated this period of uncomfortable uncertainty into my life to teach me more about what exactly it is that I worship. You see, I love having a plan because I really, really love being in control. And I love being in control because honestly, I’m afraid of what might happen if I’m not. While I understand that any thought I might have that I’m in control is laughable, that God is in control and His plan is always, always better than mine-it sometimes doesn’t feel like that’s true.
I fear something when I think that it can really damage me. Fear is usually a type of worship-when I place more weight on the object of my fear than the One who has told me that He loves me perfectly and I never need to be afraid again.
By exposing where I am afraid, Jesus exposes what I worship. He is gently, painfully, slowly teaching me what it looks like to unclench my stubborn fingers from their death-grip around my dreams, and tentatively hand them back to Him. Mind you, this is no simple process-I have attempted to wrench back the control of my life, and failed so frequently and consistently that I ought to apply for government funding.
As if. As if my life were safer in my hands. As if I were more concerned with it than Jesus is. What an odd, marvelous thought-that the same God who created Jupiter and the Swiss Alps and caramel lattes is more concerned with the details of my life than I am!
And so in the midst of uncertainty, I have to choose truth. And truth is that I simply am not in control-but God is. And He must-must!-be bigger to me than my fears, or I am not really worshipping Him at all. I have been commanded not to be anxious about anything, but to run to Jesus with every worry that I have and leave every single one of them with Him, believing that He cares more than I do and He is working for my good. And He has promised that His peace will guard my heart and mind. A lack of peace is an excellent indicator that I am not trusting Him.
I am declaring the folly of plans, not the futility of hope, mind you! There is hope in placing all of my worship where it belongs. In wrapping up every hope and dream I have in Jesus. That is, after all, what you and I were created to do.
